A found poem based on the infomercials of Billy Mays
Hi, Billy Mays here to share with you
the most important product I’ve ever endorsed.
Once in every lifetime comes a product so great,
in some states it’s even illegal.
Powered by the air you breathe,
Activated by the water you drink,
Handy Switch is the easy way
to control any lamp from anywhere.
The double-sided non-stick surface is so slick,
Not even burnt on cheese will stick.
Call right now and you’ll also receive
the Big City Slider absolutely free.
You can double or triple stack ’em,
and watch your family attack ’em.
Top with onion, ketchup or cheese,
Big City Sliders are sure to please.
Into the matting, into the padding ,
It even takes red wine
and grape juice out of carpeting.
It will make your whites whiter,
It will make your brights brighter.
Turning from green to white
to show it’s ready to hold on tight.
It has the strength to pull this fully-loaded
eight-thousand pound tractor-trailer.
It’s a technology that took eight years
and millions of dollars to develop.
Yours for just nineteen ninety-nine.
Call right now and get
The miracle machine with
twelve precision blades so sharp
they even slice ripe tomatoes.
Ask for the optional industrial
diamond blades that can cut
through all kinds of stone.
Slice cheese with ease.
Just pay separate processing and handling.
On Crystal Morning, cold and bare,
The sun’s bright rays pierce through the air.
The Dawn’s sweet breath blew through the night,
Sprayed crystal powder with air so light.
Crystals on the tender leaves,
Crystals above enchanted eaves.
Crystals on the wooden fence,
Crystals everywhere you sense.
Glint and glitter under morning light,
Like fairy dust spread far and wide.
Below the sky dyed blue and bright,
In a million crystals magic bides.
I step into the morning’s freezing air,
And feel the bite of winter’s cold.
But numb and sore I readily bear,
To see the beautiful winter’s soul.
Puny petals, green and crimson,
Embrace the air and drink the sun.
Nourished by a winter harsh,
It eats the cold, ingests the frost.
Through tough, austere and ruthless days,
The flower blooms with poise and grace.
Dainty petals, light and ruffled,
Smooth as silk, intricate as lace.
Like a fountain gushing leaves,
The color flows throughout the spring.
To stretch, indulge the clean fresh air,
To dig the soil with roots so bare.
And when the autumn finally comes,
It stops and shoots a tall green pole.
With dying leaves, on parched dry ground,
It seeds the earth with gossamer threads.
Quickly runs the mountain stream,
Glides so fast and carves so deep.
Meander through the mountain seams,
Over leaves then down it seeps.
Rippling forward, tumbling free,
Shakes and shimmers colored leaves.
Flowing rapid, clean and clear,
Slakes the thirst of forest deer.
Thick-trunk oaks it goes around,
And makes a gurgling pleasing sound.
Water gentle, soft and swift,
Carves a wooded mountain rift.
Come, come! You gentle breeze,
Touch my arms and rest my mind.
Through my sleeves with careless ease,
Caress my chest with arms so kind.
Saunter with me through the grass,
Flap my clothes in gentle play.
Brush my skin in ways not crass,
Sweep the ground on which I lay.
Wrap my body with your own,
Contour ’round my curves and bends.
Excite me with your sighs and groans,
Fill my crevice, cracks and sense.
When time comes, you must depart,
Don’t desist from what you start.
Please return sometime again.
That for me, you’re more than friend.
I want to visit the stars above
Lift into the great unknown
Fly so high I pierce the sky
Be unbound from my ties to earth
Traverse across the endless void
Through untrammeled, limitless space
Watch the glowing embers swirl and flicker
In an unfathomable frozen darkness
If only I were to live a million years
And free to roam through the vast expanse
I can dream of infinite space and time
While my life is still a flicker in time
A speck in space