In Memory of Billy Mays

A found poem based on the infomercials of Billy Mays

Hi, Billy Mays here to share with you
the most important product I’ve ever endorsed.
Once in every lifetime comes a product so great,
in some states it’s even illegal.

Powered by the air you breathe,
Activated by the water you drink,
Handy Switch is the easy way
to control any lamp from anywhere.

The double-sided non-stick surface is so slick,
Not even burnt on cheese will stick.
Call right now and you’ll also receive
the Big City Slider absolutely free.

You can double or triple stack ’em,
and watch your family attack ’em.
Top with onion, ketchup or cheese,
Big City Sliders are sure to please.

Into the matting, into the padding ,
It even takes red wine
and grape juice out of carpeting.

It will make your whites whiter,
It will make your brights brighter.
Turning from green to white
to show it’s ready to hold on tight.

It has the strength to pull this fully-loaded
eight-thousand pound tractor-trailer.
It’s a technology that took eight years
and millions of dollars to develop.

Yours for just nineteen ninety-nine.

Call right now and get
The miracle machine with
twelve precision blades so sharp
they even slice ripe tomatoes.

Ask for the optional industrial
diamond blades that can cut
through all kinds of stone.

Slice cheese with ease.
Just pay separate processing and handling.


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