Here is what would happen if the tech companies started making potatoes:
Apple: The Apple iPotato has all its eyes removed so you can’t grow your own potatoes. You need to buy a $5 peeler and $10 knife made by Apple that was specifically designed to peel and cut your potato. Every year Apple runs ads touting how great its next version of the potato will be, but all you ever notice are slight changes to the shape and color without noticing any difference in taste.
Microsoft: The Microsoft Potato keeps telling you that the potato you own aren’t authorized copies, even though you have a written certificate of authenticity from Microsoft. Hackers can easily break into your potato and steal personal information, and so much malware infects your potato that you give up and buy a new one.
Linux: There are more than 200 different varieties of Linux Potatoes, none of which you like. They tell you that the potatoes are open-source, and you can change the genetic code of the potatoes to make them look and taste however you like. But you don’t have a degree in genetic engineering and don’t know how to change the genetic code of potatoes.
Google: The Google Potato will monitor every minutiae of your life, including your grocery bill, exercise habits, sleep pattern, sexual activity, tax return, social security number, dress size and your children’s grades in school. After a thorough analysis of this information, it will recommend what products you should buy. At night it will relay all your personal data to the NSA to determine if you’re a terrorist.
Elon Musk: The Elon Musk potato will pack five times the amount of nutrients and fiber as the regular potato, and will make your teeth white and farts smell like perfume. But each one costs $100, and might explode or crash into the side of a truck for no reason.
The Garden of Words Not Yet Born 